I DO CARE!!!

Thanks for the sweet comments on my raw, open and honest post from last week. I have a feeling this one is on it's way to being the same. I don't know what my deal has been. I am in such a funk with everything from life to my diet and losing weight. I did feel a huge weight lift after I wrote that post though and I am starting to feel better.  I wrote my Sunday Stuff recap post yesterday and really took some time to think about the week.  At first glance I thought it was awful but I went back and tried to really focus on the good times and there was SO MUCH! 


My diet on the other hand...I have got to get control back over it. My will power has been non existent and I have been eating things I know I shouldn't and telling myself that I just don't care when in all actuality I do care.
I do care if I eat a 300 calorie snack.
I do care if I over indulge.
I do care if I go over my calories for the day.
I do care if I miss my exercise session for the day which is why I am pushing myself to do one anyways {I have only skipped two days and that was the week before last}.

SO WHY DO I KEEP insisiting to myself that I don't care?!?! I have a goal and am so super close but my head is not in the game. I tell myself tomorrow will be better let's just make it through today. And every morning I wake up with the intention to stick to my plan, get back in the game but it seems to fall apart. AGH!

I know I can do this!  I HAVE DONE THIS!! I am made for more!  I am not measured by what the scale says but rather how I feel!  I am getting my head back in the game.  I am going to enjoy it and not be over come by it.  I am going to kick this last 20 pounds to the curb!!  I feel like I now need to scream a warrior battle cry.  Who's with me? Aye ya, ya, aye, hey ya, aye!

Sunday Stuff

Sunday Sunday la la, la la la la.

This week has been a doozy and not really for any particular reason.  I'll share more about it tomorrow.  For now I just want to recap our week. 

**We celebrated my dad's birthday last Sunday and Colton had his love of tractors magnified. 

**Brian and I have decided to pull the kids out of daycare for the summer.  My sister in law Mollie is a teacher and has summers off so she has asked to watch them!  I was hoping to take some time off work and spend it with them but I had an employee transfer to another location which will leave me short handed for the summer.  But they are going to have so much fun with Mollie.  I am not sure who is more excited about it, the kids or Aaron and Mollie. 

**Lauren went to the dermatologist for another treatments on the bumps under her arm and we were very pleased to hear that should be THE LAST ONE!!!  As long as these heal the way they have been, no longer look like there is any part of the wart left and she doesn't have any more pop up then we are done!  As you know I had mixed feelings about this course of treatment.  It has not been easy on anyone, especially Lauren but it has paid off!   She has been such a trooper and I am so incredibly proud of her.  Even the doctor was amazed at how she has handled it.

**Lauren has been helping Brian and my mom plant some flowers and do a bit of landscaping around our house.  Lauren loves it.  She isn't scared of getting dirty one bit.  I am just not good at things like that!  It has never made much difference to me whether we have flowers in our yard or not but it will look nice in the end.  I will have to put up some pictures when they are done with it. 

**Colton is singing up a storm.  It does my heart good to hear him walking around with a tune!  He may not always get the words right but that is when I like it the most.  Lauren loves to sing as well and when the two of them are in the car singing Jesus Loves Me I turn into a puddle.  I can't get enough!!

**I got a new jar for my blender since Colton broke the original.  I was very pleased to be able to replace just that one part and not the entire blender. 

**Since Lauren has her purple jeep and Colton is getting bigger we have passed down the garage sale steal to him.  He adores riding in the jeep with his big sister but he loves that little blue car as much as she did!  He will take off the seat off and use his tools to fix it.  It makes me smile!  He has lots to look forward to when he gets a bit bigger.  He can help his Papa and Uncle Aaron down at the body shop!!

I love taking the time each week to look back at the things we have done and enjoyed!  Just typing up this post has put a huge smile on my face and has helped me to remember just how truly blessed I am!  I know that these are the things that I am going to want to remember forever and I am glad I will have this blog to look back on.

TRACTOR

 

Colton continues to amaze me with how well he is talking and his comprehension is simply outstanding and he isn’t even two yet.

As of late Colton has been letting his temper fly.

He loves to get into the fridge, probably because he knows it makes me mad! One day I was in the process of fixing dinner and he opened the fridge because he wanted a hot dog. When I told him no we are eating dinner soon he flung the door open grabbed the bottle of hot sauce and flung it across the room.

Another fridge episode was when he decided to take the picture of tea I had brewed that morning and dump it all over the floor. I know that most of it was an accident, he was just trying to get to it, and it was way too heavy for him to hold so it ended up on the floor. I am sure he wasn’t intentionally trying to pour it all over but that was what happened.

He is in the stage of screaming and throwing fits. I try to ignore him as best as I possibly can but his favorite place to scream is in the car!

He loves him some tractors or lawn mowers or anything that resembles a tractor. He gets super excited and screams “TRACTOR” over and over until you acknowledge he sees a tractor. And then he asks to ride it. HA! My brother took him for a ride on his really big tractor on Sunday which is so much cooler than our piddly little lawn mower and Colton was in heaven. My brother said he took it so seriously! All the way home he said “TRACTOR…ride it! Aaron, tractor, ride it.” Over and over, it was really quite precious. I love how passionate he is.


The other day we were getting ready for church. It was a little bit of a lazy morning. Since my children don’t know what sleeping in is, we were up long before we needed to get ready to leave. He brings me his shoe and our conversation goes like this…

Colton: “GO”

Me: “Go? Where do you want to go? We are gonna get ready for church here in a little bit”

Colton: “Wal-mart.”

Me: “Wal-Mart? What on earth do you want to go there for?”

Colton: “Tractor…Ride it”

I think he meant he wanted to go to Lowe’s.  We had went there the day before and it was lawn mower heaven for him!  He was so excited as we walked past them all, he couldn’t contain himself. 

Dealing with Anger

It’s been a week since my last blog post. I really don’t like going that far between but I guess I really haven’t had much to say. Sure there were things I could have blogged about just to post something but lately I feel like every time I blog about something then the opposite happens in my life.


I blog about happy marriage and then Brian and I have an argument and I feel like a hypocrite.

I started typing up a post about all the tools I am using for losing weight and I had a really bad week…and I didn’t even publish that post yet! It is still sitting in draft form.

Yesterday as I was driving to work I was thinking about my blender and when we bought it {back when we were just getting started and had our first apartment } and how I like that it has a smoothie setting so all I have to do is push a button and walk away and it blends them perfectly. Last night Colton was “helping” Brian with the dishes and picked up the glass jar of the blender and dropped it back into the dishwasher, right onto a glass bowl, and broke it!

It’s like the universe is stacked against me!

I know…I know…I know…things could be much worse! I am not complaining…just simply stating what I am feeling at this point and time. I am thankful for my husband, my kids, my job, my house, my family and all the other things that make my life what it is. I am just feeling frustrated and bothered lately. For some reason I have an overwhelming sense of anger. I am angry at my kids, angry at my husband, angry with my coworkers, angry at myself and really there isn’t any reason other than I am simply feeling angry and not always directing it appropriately. I don’t like this person who yells at her kids for making simple mistakes; I don’t like this person and what she is saying to her husband just because she can. I am absolutely dumbfounded and humbled that my husband can still love me after what I have put him through yet I have no idea how to change this aspect of my life. I have tried, I read books, I pray, I meditate, I do all the things I think could possibly help my situation but I still have this anger deep inside me.

So by confessing this here I am taking the first step to making things right and dealing with whatever seems to be ailing me.

I am going to focus on genuinely loving on my kids and letting them be kids. Not sweating the small stuff. I need to enjoy this time with them because they won’t be this little much longer. They are already growing up so fast right before my eyes.

I am going to focus on my husband and make him the priority he should be. He and our marriage is so incredibly important to me.

I am going to focus on myself, what makes me happy and continuing to get my body as well as my mind healthy.

When I started writing this post this morning this was not the direction I intended. The words just sort of started flowing. I am nervous about hitting publish as this is real, open and honest.

Playing With Knives

This morning started off like any other morning.  I woke up hopeful for a good day felt pretty confident since luckily I woke up before the kids and had a few minutes to myself to get woken up and relax a bit before getting ready for work.  I wake up Lauren, she’s in a good mood!  Fix my breakfast, wake up Colton and we are almost out the door and I realized that I had a Crockpot meal planned for dinner and had not yet gotten it ready.  It isn’t a complicated recipe so I thought, “Hey I will just throw it together quickly”  that was my first mistake!

I open the fridge and nothing…no chicken.  I swore I bought chicken at the store.  Oh no that’s right its in the freezer…ok no big deal it will be fine slow cooking all day.  Fine let’s go!  I read the recipe and it calls for a diced onion and as I am running around the kitchen gathering the rest of the ingredients, telling Colton to stop throwing the apples onto the floor, putting Colton into time out for continuing to throw the apples on the floor, I am trying to get this onion chopped.  I thought about it last night, honestly I did.  I should have done it.  That was the only prep work needed.

So here I am in the process of chopping the onion with my trusty chef in training beside me and I slice right through the onion and my pinky finger.  I start jumping around like a little girl and throw my finger under cool running water while applying pressure and this sweet little voice at my side says “that’s why I shouldn’t play with knives right mommy?” 

AH a lesson in the midst of my pain.  “yes Lauren that is exactly why mommy and daddy do not let you play with knives.  Knives can hurt you.” I continue to chop the onion, holding a paper towel on my bleeding finger, hey we still have to eat right?!  Again, “mommy that is why I shouldn’t play with knives.”  “exactly Lauren that is why you shouldn’t play with knives and actually this is why you shouldn’t chop vegetables in a hurry either!”

Bless her heart, all the way to daycare she talks about me cutting my finger and how we shouldn’t play with knives.  At least I know I got my point across. 

Banana Cinnamon Smoothie

I have another fantastic smoothie recipe for you today. I seriously can't get enough of these things and the combinations are endless.

I LOVE Bananas Foster.  The carmalized sweet bananas mmmmm!!!  This smoothie almost reminds me of one of those types of desert.



Cinnamon Banana Smoothie
Ingredients
1 cup almond milk {I use the unsweented Vanilla}
1 frozen banana
3/4 cup vanilla yogurt {I use light n fit}
1 tsp cinnamon
dash of vanilla extract

Directions
Place all ingredients into your blender and pulse until it is the texture of your liking. Pour into a glass, add a straw, sip and enjoy!!

I am totally digging cinnamon in my smoothies! 

Sunday Stuff

This has been a pretty calm week around our house which has been nice and refreshing from the past several weeks.  I actually have two full days off!  Yesterday was nice to be able to hang out with the kids and today I am looking forward to that as well. 

**Friday was date night for Brian and I.  My dad and step mom took the kids for the evening so Brian and I decided to go to the movies.  On date night we usually end up staying home and watching TV on the couch because anytime we plan something one of the kids gets sick.  So we took a chance and headed to the theatre. We didn't even make it through the previews when the fire alarm went off and we had to evacuate the building!!  Honestly I thought it was a joke, some kid pulled the fire alarm and the movie would start up soon.  But when it didn't we got up and went outside with everyone else.  We stood out there for about 5 minutes or so until they said they thought it was a false alarm and let everyone back inside.  We sat in the theatre for another 10 minutes until they made us evacuate AGAIN!  They have been doing construction on the theatre and apparently when the fire department showed up they found something in the upstairs where the construction was going on.  After all that we watched the movie over an hour later and it really wasn't all that great. 

**Colton is getting quite the little attitude.  He is at that stage where he can talk but not quite enough to express everything he is feeling.  So my normally sweet little boy has been throwing quite a bit of fits.  His favorite time of course is dinner time and bed time.  He is fighting both something awful.  It's strange because he LOVES to eat but he doesn't want to sit still.




**Lauren is so brave.  She has been dealing with those bumps under her arm like a champ.  We had them treated again on Thursday and it has went over with little complaining!!  She is always strong and always brave, way braver than I would be that is for sure.  But this time it doesn't seem to hurt her as much which makes me happy. They seem to be getting better but she did have some new ones pop up.  This is so incredibly frustrating!  I was able to talk to the doctor and get all my concerns addressed.  He said that they look exactly like they should and the medicine is working but if we decide at any point to discontinue treatment we can.  She has several large ones and we at least want those to go away before we make any decision as to whether or not to continue. 

Our Easter

           
Easter for us started out on Friday with a visit to the local bank where the Easter bunny always comes to visit.              
            
            Saturday my mom took the kids to an Easter Egg Hunt at their daycare and after I got home from work we colored eggs.  Colton broke his first one so he decided he would rather eat it.



Lauren was super excited.  When I flipped the calendar over to April at the first of the month I had pictures from last year’s Easter.  She saw it and said “YEAH we get to dye eggs!!”


She’s practically a pro.

Colton had fun trying it out. 

Sunday we went to church with my dad and step mom.  Lauren wanted to wear her new Hello Kitty necklace she got in her basket. 

And a picture of my handsome boys.  I always have such a hard time getting a family shot.  I plan on it each year but most of the time I forget to have someone take it for us!  Oh Well. 

Meet Cora

This is Cora Beth.  Isn't she beautiful!?

Cora's momma is Mollie's sister and a good friend of mine as well.  Cora was born on April 3rd and shortly after birth they discovered that she has a hernia in her diaphragm making it very difficult for her to breath.  The matter was also complicated more during delivery and she has been on ECMO, a machine to oxygenate her blood, up until Monday. 

Today she goes into surgery to repair the hernia.  If you would join me in prayer I know that her family will greatly appreciate it.

I am praying for little Cora to be strong.  She is already proved to be a fighter!

I am praying for her doctors, that God will guide their hands during the surgery.

I am praying for Cora's parents and family, that God will give them peace.

I am praying for the nurses who take care of Cora before, during and after the surgery.

Thank you all for joining together with me.  I appreciate it and I know Cora's family will as well.  I will post an update this afternoon as soon as I hear how the surgery went. **update** 2:26 pm thank you all for praying. Cora is out of surgery and doing well. Praying for a speedy recovery.

Blueberry Banana Cottage Cheese Smoothie

I am a smoothie making machine!  OK well I am not personally the machine, my blender is so I guess I should say I am a smoothie drinking machine! 

I am loving playing around with all kinds of smoothie flavors and I have several to post for you all! 

Now if you read the title for this one you may be thinking "cottage cheese in a smoothie gross!"  I am here to tell you that it is fantastic!  I was out of yogurt one day and wanted a smoothie for breakfast and was thinking about leaving out the yogurt but I like my smoothies to be hearty.  So I added cottage cheese!  Not only does it give me WAY more protein than my yogurt it also makes the smoothie more creamy. 



Blueberry Banana Cottage Cheese Smoothie

Ingredients
1/2 cup frozen blueberries
1 cup almond milk {I use the unsweented Vanilla}
1 frozen banana
1/2 cup cottage cheese
1 tablespoon ground flax meal
Dash vanilla extract

Directions
place all ingredients in your blender and pulse until smooth, fill up your favorite glass and ENJOY!!

You could also add a cup or two of spinach and get a vegetable serving in for the day too!

Easter Dinner {4 Recipes}

Happy Tuesday!  I had every intention of getting this up yesterday but it was just one of those days!  I also wanted to include pictures of the kids dyeing eggs but as you will see I didn't get those done.

I was kind of stressing out about what to make for Easter dinner.  I knew that the traditional ham and side dishes were not going to be beneficial to my healthy eating plan so I prepared a menu that I was SUPER excited about!!  We had Roasted Chicken, Roasted Asparagus with olive oil and Parmesan cheese, cauliflower mashed potatoes, and healthified deviled eggs.  Then that evening Lauren and I made sugar cookies and decorated them up with some of the Easter Candy!




Roasted Chicken

1 roasting chicken, washed and patted dry

Season with your choice of herbs I used herbs de provence

Preheat oven to 400 degrees.

Place chicken in roasting pan and roast for 55 minutes to an hour.

 



Roasted Asparagus

Ingredients

1 bunch asparagus with the ends trimmed

olive oil spray

salt and pepper to taste

1/2 Parmesan cheese {or more if you'd like}

Directions

preheat oven to 350

place asparagus on a baking sheet {I covered mine with foil first}

lightly cover with olive oil spray

season with salt and pepper to taste

sprinkle with Parmesan cheese.

toss so the asparagus is pretty evenly coated

bake in preheated oven for 12-15 minutes



Healthified Deviled Eggs

Ingredients

6 hard boiled eggs

1/4 cup plain Greek Yogurt

2 tsp Dijon mustard

1 tsp regular mustard

salt and pepper to taste

paprika for garnish

Directions

Peel eggs and cut in half lengthwise.  Scrape yolk into a bowl and set aside the whites. 

Add yogurt, mustards and salt and pepper to the bowl with the yolks and mash together until blended well.

Using a spoon fill the wells of the egg whites and sprinkle with paprika.  Cover and place in refrigerator until ready to serve.

 

Cauliflower Mashed Potatoes

Ingredients

1 head cauliflower washed and chopped up

3/4 pound of small gold potatoes, washed and cut into cubes. {I leave the peels on mine}

3-4 cloves of garlic {or more if you love garlic like we do!!}

1 block fat free cream cheese

1/2 cup plain Greek yogurt

salt and pepper to taste

Directions

After washing the cauliflower and potatoes place in a pot of cool water along with the cloves of garlic.  Boil until tender and drain.  In a large bowl place block of cream cheese and add potatoes.  Using a mixer or potato masher mash potatoes.  Once they are almost mashed add in yogurt, salt and pepper and mix again until combined. 


 

Just for fun here are the cookies that Lauren and I made.  For time's sake I just used a Betty Crocker mix. {GASP! I know}
We topped them with skittles, mini M&Ms and sweet tart jelly beans.  The jelly beans didn't work out so well!  They practically disintegrated.  Oops!



I was pleased with my decision to still eat healthy for Easter.  I think my family enjoyed it as well.  It was definitely not traditionally what we eat but I the food was good!!

Silly Saturday

Colton is getting too big for his britches!  He is getting into everything, climbs on top of everything and repeats EVERYTHING!!

I came out of the bathroom yesterday to find him sitting on the floor shaking the soy sauce saying "APPLE JUICE!!"

He is totally into tractors and lawn mowers which he refers to as tractors.  Anytime we see one as we are driving down the road he goes nuts and screams TRACTOR over and over until someone acknowledges he saw a tractor.
He and Lauren stood at the front window watching Brian mow the front yard.  When he moved to the backyard he had them both sit on his lap.  Bless his heart I bet that was tough!

When he isn't getting into the refrigerator, looking for tractors or playing his drums, his other favorite passtime is climbing up on the kitchen table and sitting in the middle of it.

Last weekend we were celebrating my niece's 6th birthday.  I was chatting with my step mom who was holding Colton and my grandma.  My step mom was telling us a funny story about Colton and the bathroom and right on cue Colton belts out "WIPE HER BUTT"  I thought my grandma was going to lose it and then she turned to me so serious and asked me why I taught him that.  :)  I had to explain that each time Lauren goes to the bathroom and she is finished she yells for us to wipe her and since Colton is in to repeating things he also tells us she is finished.

For not being quite 2 yet he has a very extensive vocabulary and will repeat anything you say.  I love how big he is getting and how super smart he is.  Soon I will have to start posting "Colton-isms"

I hope you have a spectacular Saturday!

Replacing My Cravings

The past several weeks I have been consumed with cravings.  As much as I try to over come them I have been giving in a little too much and the scale shows it and so does my body and my mind. 

I first read Made to Crave in August of last year.  I was already in the thick of my weight loss journey but it helped to gain new tools, new insight and ways to look at things.  But as I mentioned the last several weeks/last month I have been struggling.  I try to replay quotes from the book in my head but I was forgetting most of the important tools, quotes and scriptures in the book.  So I am rereading Made To Crave by Lysa TerKeurst.

Chapter two is titled Replacing My Cravings, I honestly don't think there could be a better chapter than that right now!  When I first checked this book out from the library and read it I truly felt like she wrote it just for me and leaping off the pages were all the things I was struggling and dealing with and it cut right to my heart.  So today as I re read this book on my kindle {I bought it while it was on a super cheap sale knowing it would come in handy!} I am highlighting each passage that speaks to me and even taking the time to notate what I feel! {I am really digging the e-reader thing.  I have had it for a while but this is the first book I have truly read on it.} 

I don't know why my cravings have been so intense.  When I first started the 17 day diet they weren't that bad and I made it through eleven days without much hassle and then I got the flu.  I was losing weight and feeling great and wasn't looking back.  This time around I can't gain any momentum, I want to eat everything I know I shouldn't have.  I am the type if you tell me I can't have or do something my brain seems to focus on that exact thing. My willpower has been dwindling and I have honestly been trying hard to get it back! From now on I am not going to tell myself I can't have that.  But I am going to celebrate what I can have and ask God to help me feel satisfied with healthier choices as Lysa suggests in the book.

At the end of each chapter there are questions in a "Personal Reflections" section.  I want to take some time to share what I was thinking.  The first questions asks Lysa describes her morning ritual with the scale and her failed efforts to eat healthier as a vicious cycle she felt powerless to stop.  When it comes to your relationship with food, what repeated behaviors or events describe the cycle you experience and feel powerless to stop?
My thoughts I too have a ridiculous relationship with my scale.  I know that I am not defined by that number, it is not a measure of my self worth but rather how much my body weighs but that thought alone does not stop me from stepping on the scale each morning and expecting the number to go down from yesterday.  I know this is unrealistic and unhealthy and it is why I have moved the scale from my bathroom to my closet, because I will now have to make additional effort to weigh myself.  When the scale doesn't change and I have been working extra hard at eating right and exercising I cry and beat myself up over it.  Then it is harder to make good choices and is no longer a motivation for me. 

I am about 25 or so pounds from reaching what I have set as my goal.  Not only do I want to reach that number on the scale but I want to be satisfied with myself and my body. 

Lone Wolf

I now know more about wolves than I ever possibly could have wanted to know!

While this book hit a little too close to home and brought back horrible memories of discussing taking my brother off life support, I couldn't put it down.

Cara and her father are in a terrible auto accident leaving Cara seriously injured and her father in a coma. Picoult has weaved so many secrets and twists and turns into this book it is unreal. I had to read to the end to find out what really happened during the accident and why Cara was blaming herself.

Edward, the prodigal son, is Cara's older brother who is of age and ultimately responsible for making the decision to end their father's life. The two can't see eye to eye and the story bringing the two together sure is something.

I am amazed that I made it through this book with little tears. Brain injuries, fighting families, divorce, cheating, removing life support...it was all jammed packed into this book and at times I felt a reflection of my own life! I've lived through a similar situation and by reading this book I felt almost as if up was reliving that time. I can still hear the beeps of the machines, the sound of the nurses walking through the hallways, the look on my brother's face. The pain in my parent's eyes as they watched their eldest child lie in a hospital bed, knowing they would never see or speak to him again. It's not an easy decision to make and I thought Picoult did an excellent job at exploring each angle.

Sunday Stuff on Monday

**Brian took Lauren back to the doctor for the bumps under her arm. We decided to go ahead with a second treatment since it really did look like the first one worked. There were definitely less of the bumps!  This time they treated the ones from before that are still there and some additional ones. The ones that have been treated twice now reacted sooner to the medicine than they did the first time. Lauren woke up with blisters, huge blisters, the morning after the treatment.  I had expected it to blister, just not that quickly.  I am pretty sure that was her last treatment. I just don't think I can, in good conscience, put her through this a third time.

**We celebrated my niece's birthday over the weekend.  It was a blast.  She turned 6, had a fun party, the kids went crazy, it was loud {as all kid's parties are} and good fun!

**I finished up editing from my first photo shoot this spring and absolutely adore how they turned out!  I hope to get a few more soon.  I have one in mind for my kids to prepare for Colton's birthday.  HOW is going to be 2 already??

**I have been working alot lately and the month of April is only going to be worse.  I need to plan a vacation STAT! 

**I am tired, cranky and just plain in a bad mood!  Yesterday, everything seemed to be coming against me.  I was getting ready for church and no matter how hard I tried things kept getting in the way.  Seriously! I hope to snap out of this very quickly.  Not only do I need to get my mind cleansed but also my body.  All this stress from the last several weeks has put me in a very bad way with my healthy eating.  For the most part I have been doing pretty well but I have had a couple of bad days and since I am already cranky this doesn't help and I have been beating myself up over it.  Two bad days out of a good week shouldn't matter to me so much but it does.  AGH! So I have decided to jump back on the horse this week, get back on track with eating healthy and not deviate from that plan even a little.  It is the little bites of the oh so good food that does me in, and hide my scale.  I weighed yesterday and have made it very difficult for me to pull out the scale each day.  I don't want to weigh more than once this week!