The past three weeks have been really difficult for me especially at work. Not because my job is hard or that my coworkers are being difficult or that I don't like it, but honestly, I just plain don't want to be there. Over Memorial Day weekend we were together as a family for 4 days straight and it was wonderful. I got to be with Lauren the entire time and when I had to go back to work on Tuesday it just broke my heart. I got her to daycare, normally she loves going, but she wrapped her little arms around me and held on for dear life. It was awful and I cried pretty much the entire way to work. I have such a hard time sitting at my desk for 8 hours, sometimes more, when I would just rather be at home.
I really wish that we were able for me to stay at home. I would love to do that and be able to spend my days with Lauren. Especially this summer. I want to take her to the park, take her swimming, go to the zoo and tons of other stuff. I plan on making the most of the weekends when I am off but my plans get screwed all up. Like today, we planned on going swimming and it is raining so no deal!
Brian works so hard and I know that when I mention how much I would like to stay at home it makes him feel bad that he can't be the sole provider for our family. We don't live lavishly by any means but I know that if we lost my paycheck it would put a great deal of stress on him and I don't want that. We are going to work really hard to save so that it might be an option after we have another baby but I really don't see it happening then either. But hopefully I will at least be able to go part time and then that will give me time at home.
I feel really selfish in all of this. I know it would probably benefit Lauren for me to be at home with her but she loves going to daycare. She gets excited in the mornings before we leave and she always gives the teachers huge hugs in the morning. She interacts with the other kids and is learning so much. BUT I feel as though I am missing out on all of those things. I don't get to teach her how to do this or that and her teachers see her doing all of these things before I do. Plus by the time I get home from work we eat dinner, its bath time and then bed time. And here lately I am not even the one that gets to put her to bed. She is a daddy's girl and wants him to be the one to rock her and put her to bed. I can't really blame her on that one though, he is big and strong and his arms are warm!!
I just need to be happy with what I have and live in the moment. I am grateful that we have a house to live in and cars to drive. I am grateful that I do have a job and a steady paycheck coming in. I am grateful for my husband and his job as well. He truly is a wonderful man and makes me a better person. I am grateful for the wonderful little girl that God has blessed us with and I am grateful for the awesome teachers that Lauren does have at her daycare, that love her like she is their own and take awesome care of her in my absence. I really couldn't ask for better women than Rhonda and Kathy. They are surrogate mother's to my Lauren and they truly are an asset to our lives.
Saturday, June 13, 2009
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5 comments:
I'm sorry you're having a hard time. Though I don't have any experience with this yet, I think I understand where you're coming from. When we have kids, I would LOVE to stay at home with them, but that most likely won't be possible. Even if you can't do all the things you want to do with her, if you make the most of the time you do have with her, that's all that matters!
I think I will feel the same way some day. I would love to stay home, but we both teach and neither one of us really makes more money than the other! I am lucky that I do have summers off, but I'm like you, I don't want to miss anything! I hope you get some better weekends this summer to spend time together doing fun things. And maybe it will work out that you'll be able to stay home in the future!
I used to work full time, then I went to part time, then I decided to stay at home for awhile and now I am going back to work very part time. I am so lucky that I don't have to work. The extra paycheck is nice, don't get me wrong, but I know that it would be hard if I was forced to work and be away from the girls all day long. If you went to work part time could you find someone else that works part time too and maybe switch babysitting. That way, you wouldn't lose money to daycare and you would help someone else out too. That way you would still be making close to the same money as full time because you aren't paying for daycare. Just an idea. Good luck with everything. I know Lauren knows you are an awesome mom, and that's the most important thing.
I know the exact feelings you're having. I struggled with this myself and last June my husband and I decided it was time for me to stay home. It was extremely scary to lose that significant amount of income but it was also pretty amazing how everything has come together. We certainly have a strict budget, made lots of cut backs and have found lots of activities to enjoy that cost no money or very little.
I also started working every other week with my mom who has a cleaning business-- I can bring Aidyn with me and it pays really well. My SIL also started staying home and she watches children in her home for extra cash.
I wish you the best and I'm definitely not trying to persuade you-- but just want you to know I've been where you are and it is possible and it's odd how things always seem to work out.
{{{{{{Hugs}}}}} that is tough! Funny I'm sitting here wishing I could work we are So broke, but I can't afford daycare. It's not that I don't want to be home, but we really need another income and it makes my hubby feel bad too. Hope you are feeling better, that is great that you love the daycare teachers!
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