The past three weeks have been really difficult for me especially at work. Not because my job is hard or that my coworkers are being difficult or that I don't like it, but honestly, I just plain don't want to be there. Over Memorial Day weekend we were together as a family for 4 days straight and it was wonderful. I got to be with Lauren the entire time and when I had to go back to work on Tuesday it just broke my heart. I got her to daycare, normally she loves going, but she wrapped her little arms around me and held on for dear life. It was awful and I cried pretty much the entire way to work. I have such a hard time sitting at my desk for 8 hours, sometimes more, when I would just rather be at home.
I really wish that we were able for me to stay at home. I would love to do that and be able to spend my days with Lauren. Especially this summer. I want to take her to the park, take her swimming, go to the zoo and tons of other stuff. I plan on making the most of the weekends when I am off but my plans get screwed all up. Like today, we planned on going swimming and it is raining so no deal!
Brian works so hard and I know that when I mention how much I would like to stay at home it makes him feel bad that he can't be the sole provider for our family. We don't live lavishly by any means but I know that if we lost my paycheck it would put a great deal of stress on him and I don't want that. We are going to work really hard to save so that it might be an option after we have another baby but I really don't see it happening then either. But hopefully I will at least be able to go part time and then that will give me time at home.
I feel really selfish in all of this. I know it would probably benefit Lauren for me to be at home with her but she loves going to daycare. She gets excited in the mornings before we leave and she always gives the teachers huge hugs in the morning. She interacts with the other kids and is learning so much. BUT I feel as though I am missing out on all of those things. I don't get to teach her how to do this or that and her teachers see her doing all of these things before I do. Plus by the time I get home from work we eat dinner, its bath time and then bed time. And here lately I am not even the one that gets to put her to bed. She is a daddy's girl and wants him to be the one to rock her and put her to bed. I can't really blame her on that one though, he is big and strong and his arms are warm!!
I just need to be happy with what I have and live in the moment. I am grateful that we have a house to live in and cars to drive. I am grateful that I do have a job and a steady paycheck coming in. I am grateful for my husband and his job as well. He truly is a wonderful man and makes me a better person. I am grateful for the wonderful little girl that God has blessed us with and I am grateful for the awesome teachers that Lauren does have at her daycare, that love her like she is their own and take awesome care of her in my absence. I really couldn't ask for better women than Rhonda and Kathy. They are surrogate mother's to my Lauren and they truly are an asset to our lives.